ADDRESSING PTSD SYMPTOMS

Couples navigating the aftermath of infidelity frequently grapple with PTSD symptoms, extending beyond the immediate impact of the betrayal. It’s crucial to dispel the misconception that only the Betrayed Partner experiences PTSD; both partners may experience  difference combinations of PTSD symptoms. These symptoms may include hypervigilance, a diminished sense of safety, night terrors, rumination, obsessive thoughts, and flashbacks. In therapy, we focus on addressing the physiological effects of trauma, working collaboratively on nervous system regulation, stabilization, and the restoration of felt safety.

UNPACKING MYTHS

There are many dominant narratives about infidelity that can disrupt healing. These include gendered biases (ex: “All men cheat”/ “Men are programmed to need multiple women”) to beliefs about the recovery process itself (ex: “If you stay, you’re a pushover”), along with harmful assumptions about the couple in distress (ex: “They must have a terrible sex life”). The reality is that infidelity happens in many relationships. There are often layers of reasons why infidelity happens in a partnership, but we know that it is not specific to “unhappy couples. We also know that many couples opt to heal their relationship, aware of the nuance and believing in repair.

UNCOVERING ROOT CAUSES

There are many reasons why infidelity happens, and we may explore these causes in therapy. It is important to note, that exploring the why doesn’t justify the betrayal, however, it can offer some clues to aid recovery. Some common reasons why infidelity occurs may include:

• Attachment injuries/ emotional disconnection
• Life transition issues
• Challenges with sexual exclusivity
• Mismatched sexual needs
• Changing sexual interests
• Low self-esteem issues & crisis
• Opportunity & accessibility
• Unmet needs & dissatisfaction
• Internalized beliefs about relationships

HEALING ATTACHMENT INJURIES

Often, though not always, relationships in the wake of infidelity have core attachment injuries, including a lack of emotional openness, connection, and safety to express feelings and needs. Using Emotionally-Focused Therapy, I work with couples to tend to these core emotional and attachment injuries beneath the surface of the stories and content. We explore questions such as: Were you turning towards one another before the infidelity? Was there a sense of safety to express needs, desires, feelings, and emotional experiences? Was one partner pursuing and the other, withdrawing? What roles did each person play in these attachment patterns? 

GRIEF IN REPAIR

Couples navigating infidelity usually find themselves navigating an intense grief process, and because this type of grief goes unrecognized by society, it can be a profoundly isolating experience. Feelings of shame paired with harmful relationship myths may also prevent a couple from seeking support from friends and family as well during the recovery process. The betrayed partner may spend months reconstructing history– reflecting on past events with a new lens and grieving the loss of reconstructed memories and experiences. The involved partner may also receive a crippling amount of judgement and emotional punishment from the betrayed partner and support systems, preventing healing and repair. Therapy is a place to be seen and supported in this painful grieving process. Each partner can expect to receive unconditional positive regard, non-judgement and support through the process as well.

REAUTHORING THE RELATIONSHIP

Therapy is also a place for us to intentionally rebuild a new relationship foundation. In our work together, we delve into the underlying motivations, beliefs, values, and narratives that shape each individual’s understanding of love and relationships. Through intentional deconstruction and reflection, we aim to challenge and redefine preconceptions and societal narratives about love and relationships. We may spend time considering new hopes, dreams, and plans for the future and how the couple can move into the next journey of their partnership.

If you and your partner are looking for support