Understanding Mononormativity: Its Impact on Therapy and How to Address It

As a therapist deeply immersed in supporting clients navigating consensual non-monogamy (CNM), I frequently hear stories of past therapy encounters gone awry. This is usually due to therapists who haven’t unpacked their biases towards monogamy. Unfortunately, many well-meaning therapists inadvertently perpetuate mononormativity, leading to unintentional harm to their clients.

Mononormativity is the idea that monogamy is the gold standard for romantic or sexual relationships. We’ve all grown up steeped in this mindset, bombarded with images, movies, song lyrics, and myths of the “ideal” relationship. We’re fed stereotypes about idealized monogamous love, and negative myths about non-monogamous partnerships. Mononormativity essentially glorifies monogamy as the “correct” way to do relationships, while unfairly casting doubts and biases on non-monogamous arrangements.

Despite monogamy being the perceived dominant relationship structure in the United States, there is growing evidence suggesting that non-monogamous relationships are more common than previously believed. Thankfully, consensually non-monogamous partnerships are increasingly recognized as legitimate relationship structures. It’s quite refreshing to talk with many adolescents who seem to be nonchalant and embracing of polyamory and consensual non-monogamy (CNM). CNM has gradually seeped into public consciousness and discourse, gaining better understanding and support, thankfully.

However, despite these positive shifts, mononormativity still persists, often intertwined with harmful myths and negative stereotypes.

Some of these myths include ideas, such as:

• The misconception that people in CNM relationships are highly promiscuous (PS: Negative biases towards promiscuity deserve their own blog post, of course).
• The belief that CNM relationships never work out and are inherently less committed or “real.”
• The stereotype that individuals drawn to CNM relationships are unstable and in denial.
• The notion that anyone experiencing feelings of jealousy could never participate in a CNM relationship.

These myths and false stereotypes are profoundly damaging, perpetuating aggression and oppression against people in CNM relationships.

When mononormativity infiltrates the therapy room, it can be incredibly detrimental. Therapy should be a safe space where individuals feel empowered to explore various aspects of themselves without fear of judgment. However, when therapists fail to recognize and address their implicit biases, it can jeopardize the therapeutic relationship, safety, and progress.

While therapists cannot be experts in every facet of human experience, they can burden clients with unnecessary labor during sessions if they do not develop competency in certain areas. Clients may feel compelled to overexplain or justify their experiences, sensing judgment from their therapists and experiencing shame as a result. Therapists may inadvertently pathologize behaviors such as sexual exploration or the desire for multiple forms of connection, viewing them through a lens of low self-esteem or codependency. Unfortunately, psychology has a history of pathologizing deviations from dominant narratives or accepted behaviors, which can be harmful or even traumatic for clients.

If you are someone interested in discussing CNM in therapy, here are a few tips you may want to keep in mind as you select a therapist:

1. Consider looking for a therapist who specializes in CNM or Ethical Non-Monogamy (ENM). It’s beneficial to find clinicians who actively use affirming and celebratory language regarding CNM partnerships, rather than merely tolerating or passively acknowledging it as a topic they’re comfortable with.
2. While sex therapists often cover CNM in their training, being a sex therapist doesn’t always mean they specialize in or are comfortable with CNM issues. Specialization and theoretical orientation matter. Some sex therapists heavily rely on DSM diagnoses, while others may focus more on physiological issues, with a limited understanding of CNM.
3. Therapists influenced by post-modern theory tend to take a non-expert stance in therapy, affirming that clients are the experts of their own experiences. They embrace collaborative approaches, deconstructing master narratives, norms, and constructs to empower clients to lead authentic lives.
4. Consider seeking therapists with an intersectional, culturally competent, and LGBTQ+-affirming perspective. CNM issues often involve deconstructing structural elements in relationships while considering various aspects of clients’ lived experiences. CNM individuals come from diverse backgrounds and situations, and it’s essential to work with a therapist who recognizes this diversity and adopts an intersectional lens.

If you’re interested in exploring CNM issues together, I’d love to schedule a consultation with you. Additionally, I facilitate a CNM processing group called Boundless Connections, and I’m more than happy to arrange a screening call if you’re considering joining. I’m also fortunate to have connections with many CNM-affirming clinicians across California, and I’m here to assist you in finding the perfect fit.

My goal is to provide affirming, celebratory, and safe therapy experiences. I look forward to potentially working with you!